Mrs Gingrich, the lawyer will see you now

"Further care pending divorce in the hospital."




(Oh, dear, that was kind of political, wasn't it. How naughty.)  

And he wan't amused either. 

(Dictated: "...pending course in the hospital.")

Coming soon: The Skeletina diet

"CHIEF COMPLAINT

"I want to lose weight. I want to be faxed." 

(Dictated:  "... I want to be back [to my old self].") 

Thanks to SO for this one!

Docs versus Zombies!

"He is, of course, at risk of acute decomposition."

(Dictated: "...of acute decompensation")

Speech Wreck: Valentine's edition

Speech Wreck has a sentimental side, and what better day for a glimpse of it. 


"Plan: 
Check an echocardiogram. 
Sputum culture. 
A little tenderness."


Being the jaded old cynics we are, we happily observe that Speech doesn't neglect the, er... friskier side of things, either:


"Again, special note, I discussed this patient in bed with Dr. Attending."

(Dictated: "...I discussed this patient in depth with Dr. Attending." Thanks to the eagle eye of JW for this one.)

New diagnosis

The patient has a "history of chronic NERD."

Dunno about you, but I'm guilty as charged.

Hold the lox

"The patient is a pedestrian struck by a bagel tonight."

Happy New Year, everyone, and watch out for giant bagels in the streets.


("... struck by a vehicle..." And thanks to S.O. for this one!)

There's no surgery for that

"The patient reports a bulging desk."

And don't call me Shirley!

Speech Wreck inadvertently served up a timely little memorial to Leslie Nielsen today: 


"Shirley. The patient has had a prodrome of diarrhea for weeks, but more concerning is the onset of fever and epigastric pain..."




(Dictated was, "Surely, the patient has had...")

(R.I.P., Mr Nielsen, and thanks for so many laughs...)

Hurry, or you'll never catch them!

"She has IV fluid running at 125 miles an hour."

It sucks to be him

"He is allergic to diltiazem, oxygen, and prednisone."

Fun With Names, Thanksgiving Edition

--This actually has nothing to do with Thanksgiving, but it sounds cozy, doesn't it? 


Dr. Might Go Walls (orthopedic surgery)


Dr Brake Lining (nephrology)


Mr. Clinic Head 


Dr. Sputum Coming


Dr Serene

Okay, one CT, you want fries with that?

"We will have the CT scan from McDonald's sent to us for review."

Times are hard and funds are short

... so hospitals are exploring creative staffing options.


". . . .She suffered a fracture that was treated with closed reduction by the horse OPA in the emergency room."



We don't know what level of certification "OPA" represents, but we have full confidence in horses around here, so we're sure he did a pretty good job.




(Okay, okay, it was actually "...by the ortho PA." Spoilsport.)

No one can accuse this doc of not spending enough time with his patients

"Time spent preparing this patient for discharge has now been 41 months."

Caring, you know? It's all about the caring.

"He is critically ill. His prognosis is discarded."

Dangers of the passive voice and slippery articles

"The patient recently had a husband die."


This painfully passive-voice remark with it's odd use of "a" was thought about by me, and it was wanted by me to be finished in an interesting way, such as: 


"... but the patient still has two husbands who are not dead, so she is having her  garbage taken out by one and having her lawn mowed by the other." 


(In case it can't be noticed by you, the passive voice is much utilized by medical professionals but is detested here at Horse HQ.)

That's the third one this week; the rounding team keeps tripping over them

"The patient stated that the pain was like stabbing.  He was killed over on  the floor."



(Dictated: "... he was keeled over on the floor...")

With friends like this you don't need enemies...

(... but you might need psych meds).

"He is currently living with his skull friend."

("living with his girl friend" was dictated, sort of).

Speech Wreck knows more than you do

"Pneumovax is not safe." 


My goodness. I'll just send this important news out over the Internets, and we'll all be safer soon. Thanks, Speech Wreck!

Voice Recognition, Scottish style

A hilarious take on the horrors of letting Speech Wreck take charge of an elevator. (Mildly NSFW due to one slightly naughty outburst... --oh, and there's an irritating laugh track, too.)