Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Talk about living in a crappy neighborhood!

Draft:  "The patient is a pleasant XX-year-old man who lives in the bowel."

Monday, February 22, 2010

Fun with names

I can't state the actual names that were dictated -- you know, protecting the victims and all that. It's a shame, since they're funnier that way. Nonetheless here's a sampling of docs' names as magically transmogrified by speech wreck.

Dr Tom Vomitus

Dr Wheeze

Dr Cepacol Car

Dr Poor Bowel

Dr Headache

Dr We Have Never Napping

And the mysteriously terse "Gingiva."

Thursday, February 18, 2010

slow day in the OR

Dictated in  meds list:  . . ."estrogen, Restasis...."

Draft: "Surgeon of stasis." 

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

It's all in the priorities

D: "She lives with her 3 dogs and her husband."

The patient presented by time machine

Dictated: a . . . female who, in the distant past, . . .

Draft: a . . . female who lives in the distant past . . .

Thanks to Lisa G.!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

I see imaginary Irishmen

Dictated:  "... delusions of grandeur."

Draft: "... delusions O'Grady."

Monday, February 15, 2010

Extreme ewww

The patient was having extreme diarrhea, where they were changing her shoes every 15 minutes."

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

It takes one to know one

Dictated:  "Ms X is an elderly white female who is...uh, who...appears...."

Draft: "Ms  X is an elderly white female who is not normal."

Thinking is over-rated anyway

"She reports no syncope, lightheadedness, or thinking."

Monday, February 8, 2010

Better than Viagra

Dictated:  "Mechanical cardiac valves."

Draft: "Mechanical cardiac phallus."

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Don't let the ambulance drop you here

... medical facilities enticingly renamed through the magic of speech wreck:

Remorseful Medical Clinic

Screw Spine Hospital


It Hurts Regional Medical Center

Ball of confusion?

Dictated: Cyanocobalamin.

Draft: Sciatica ball.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

...he's got his lawyer on autodial, too

Dictated:  "Dr X was  the surgeon who had managed this."

Draft: "... "Dr X was was the surgeon who admitted to this."

What are those doing there?

Dictated in tubal ligation procedure:  "The Filshie clips were seen to be in place."

Draft:  "The testicles were seen to be in place."

A bit drastic, isn't it?

Dictated in list of consultants:   "...Orthopedics, for addressing . . . amputation. Number next:"

Draft:  "... Orthopedics, for addressing . . .  amputation of her neck."

Granny wanna kick them blues

Dictated about a very elderly patient: "She does her own chores and cooking."

Draft:  "She does her own chores and cocaine."

First, do no harm

Dictated:  "Verapamil 360 mg daily."

Draft:  "Shrapnel 360 mg daily."

Wow, Dr House was right

Dictated:  "She currently is lying comfortably in Room #4."

Draft:  "She currently is lying constantly in Room #4."