Is that an FDA approved indication? I can't seem to find it in my PDR

"The patient had been switched from Celexa to Lexapro 10 mg as this was for malaria."




(Mind you, if I had malaria I suspect I'd be rather depressed).

Ooh! Ooh! That's the test I want!

"This is a continuous beer EEG monitoring."


(Dictated was "continuous video EEG...")

Hey, Doc, pass the syrup

"Temperature on a waffle was 98.5."

His insurance wouldn't pay for a fast one

"He has had a slow splenectomy."

A blooper just for Sunday

".  .  . head trauma sequelae entailing the choir director . . . "

(Honestly, I don't know where the software gets these words sometimes. . . )

High-tech? You bet!

"He does have some occasional reflux and is treated with electronics." 




(Dictated: ... treated with daily Protonix.")

But how did she keep it lit?

"The patient quit smoking hope about 30 years ago."

More fun with names

"Attending physician: Dr John Something."


"Chronic bulimia, PA-C"



"Dr death house"

Utterly meaningless, but kind of poetic

Dictated: "Monoclonal gammopathy."


Draft: "Monaco alone again."

It's the "further" part that worries me most

"She should follow up in the office for further violation."

(Dictated was: "... further evaluation", lest that not be obvious)

A special kind of CYA

In view of current events, I like this one for today: 


"Informed consent was obtained from the patient after detailed discussion . . .  He voiced compensation, and was willing to proceed." 

(Dictated: "... he voiced comprehension....")

It's raining bloopers!

... a rainy spring day today; bloopers are popping up like daffodils. In just one report we have the following wonderful haul:


"Myocardial infraction,"
"Atrial fibulation," 
"without cyanosis or parlor," and
"a 3/6 holy systolic murmur."


We'll excuse this unfortunate PA on the basis of spring fever, eh?

OMG, not ANOTHER earthquake?!

". . . examination revealed severe international tremor of the hands."




(cheers to Anonymous)

A cautionary tale

...for residents everywhere: Don't say "consultated" when you're dictating. It's kind of, well, not really a word, you see; but more to the point, if you disregard my warning and say "Dr Attending was consultated," the following might end up on your patient's chart:


"...Dr Attending was constipated." 


And things may end in tears. Just sayin'.

Approaching room temperature?

"... Respiratory rate 16 with clear death sounds bilaterally." 




(Thanks to Anonymous!)

Shhh! I think I hear them squeaking!

Draft: "... a 7-year-old with head mice."


Dictated: "...with head lice."




Thanks, Anony-mouse! 

Great doctors' names, continued

"She has recently seen Dr. nonflow from Urology." 

Don't you just hate it when this happens?

".... he had an acid sensation in the back of his throat, as well as a small island."

And it's sugar-free, too!

Draft: "Give the patient 1 liter of IV Crystal Light."

Dictated: "... IV crystalloid." 


(New and improved ad jingle: "I belieeeve in Crystal light 'cause I belieeeive in IVeeee...." 


Thanks to an anonymous tipster!

Speech Wreck Dadaism

Speech-recognized drafts often contain wonderfully bizarre little snippets, phrases of Speech Wreck that aren't coherent enough to post but are too deeply weird to ignore; so I cut-and-paste them, and then string them together into fun Dadaist paragraphs, pseudonarratives signifying nothing. Like this:


This is a pleasant 18-year-old who was sent down from Mars. He has no evidence of having burned his highballs. Any decapitated septic breaks. He got sick over the weekend with nausea and Bob. Retractor based on the lower low place. Butternut appreciated. And every day, but ARA, I am sorry. She is a thermometer. Process or a lesser, or recent colds and I has not cheeseburgers disease. 

Department of Redundancy Department

This isn't a blooper, but I'm going to post it anyway. 


Dictated: "... this has shown progressive progress."


Awesome! This patient gets to have advanced, forward-thinking progress, while others just get plain old progress, or the dreaded retrograde progress. You can tell this guy sprinkles his reports with "at this point in time," too. 


... And my hospital has decided to require us to "transcribe as dictated," which means I can't fix any of this stuff. Which makes me sad. 

Bride price

"The records indicate that the patient was first married at the age of 16. She was married for approximately 12 beers."

Go, creatinine! Go!

Draft:  "...with an estimated creatinine clearance of 55 miles per minute."

 

Meh, kinda chewy

Draft:  "The patient had a desaturation to 71%, requiring oropharyngeal airway and Ambu bag eating."

Nike Airs got nothin' on these

Draft: The patient was started on CPAP with oxygen running shoes. 


(Dictated: The patient was started on CPAP with oxygen running through).


Thanks to Sharon H.!

Does the Joint Commission know about this?

Draft:  "She is a Shaman to the hospital."

Say it isn't so!

"Her primary care physician [is] a lot of not so."

That's gonna hurt Bayer's feelings

Draft: "He was treated with Mycelex atrocious."


(For readers not in the medical biz, the dictated medication was Mycelex troches--a sort of lozenge).

More fun with names... or just a sign of the times?

Draft: "Dr Hurrying consulted Dr Sack."

Speech Wreck in Academia!

It's wonderful when researchers have a sense of humor as well as calm incense, don't you find?
(The paper isn't recent, but we just adore its title).

I think we need a bigger Petri dish

Dictated: Enterococcus faecalis

Draft: interrupted hockey-stick callus

Is three a charm?

Just popping out from behind the curtain to mutter that yeah,  I just changed the blog template... again.  Yes it was for the third time, thank you for keeping track. See, what happened is . . . all those pretty pretty custom Blogger templates chew up and spit out my widgets. So here we are back in bland off-the-rack template world. 


Right then. Back to your regularly-scheduled tomfoolery.

And a positive finding would be diagnostic for...?

Dictated:  "Cardiac enzymes were all negative. Mag  is..."

Draft: "Cardiac enzymes were all negative for maggots."

Bit of a bloody nuisance, old chap, eh what?

Draft: "The patient is status post previous coronary artery bother in 1992."