Now THAT'S a lotta blood

"Estimated blood loss: 5 miles."

The patient will be admitted to the S&M floor

". . . the pain has completely resolved at this time, and is nonreproducible by pleasure or movement."

Ewww. Just ... ewww.

" . . . vomiting fetal matter."

This one's from K., who comments, "..then student asks me how she is pregnant at 80..." The intended statement (vomiting fecal matter) is gross enough, then you have the speech wreck, and then the idiotic question on top of that. It's enough to make you want to... well, puke. 

An unusual respiratory exam

"She does have a few end-expiratory wheezes on osculation."

(Lest the error be less than obvious...)

The differential would include HUAS*

"PRIMARY DIAGNOSIS: Lower GI brain bleed." 






*Head Up Ass Syndrome

Sunday is Fun-Day!

(Fun With Names, that is). 


However this consult goes, we're pretty sure it will be interesting:
"The patient is to have consultation with Dr. Tingling in the morning."

And then there's "Dr. One-word Sentence". I. Wonder. What. His. Chart. Notes. Look. Like. 

Talk to the hand, I mean the --oh.

"Vagina was consulted for surgical management."




(Dictated: Gyn/Onc was consulted for surgical management.)

--Thanks to JW, who wisely pointed out that I won't be able to post an illustration for this one. 

Horse is on Hiatus

... We've had a computer hard drive failure here at Horse HQ, and we're scrambling to cope with that. Among the stuff lost is all of the backlog of material for this blog (aaauggh), so... well...if we can't rebuild the hard drive, which is currently circling the drain, we'll be back, but it'll be a while...

Om nom nom nom SLURP *hic*

"She does not report pain related to eating, except for a quart of liquor intermittently." 




(Dictated: "...a sort of flicker intermittently")

"There is a fracture. I need to fix it."

"I'm the registrar of Orthopedia." Y'all need to watch this. Soon. Now is good.

(Followup--several weeks later: This link has generated a lot of traffic, which I'm grateful for. But I also want to make sure that a tip of the hat is given to the genius of "SlowK", who created it, and to the folks at Xtranormal, whose site made it possible. There. I feel better).




(Thanks as aye to the ever-delightful Dr Grumpy for this one)

O noes! The hospital is under water again

"Dr Pulmo dictating a pulmonary consultation. Coral and a drowned referring physician." 

Dx: Chronic relapsing marriage, NOS

Not a blooper today; it's a subtle (and probably inadvertent) assessment. . .  


"The patient has been married 4 times. The longest time married was 10 years. He is currently divorced for the last year."

Is there a mouse in the house?

"... consider adding another medication to help stabilize his behavior, such as cheese."

I think you should look at it again. Really.

"Her right bloody amputation stump is well-healed."




(Dictated: "...right below-knee amputation stump...")

WAAYY too much information

"CHIEF COMPLAINT: Tripped on the penis yesterday. She attempted the Heimlich maneuver and continued to watch him, but never saw the penis come up." 


(Dictated: "Choked on a peanut yesterday....never saw the peanut come up.")

The patron saint of--um, percutaneous intervention?

"Dr. Cards noted that the [coronary arterial] lesion was on a severe bend at a bifurcation, and stenting would sacrifice one at St. Francis."

(Dictated: "... sacrifice one of 2 side branches")

These patients today are so darn ungrateful

"History of right urethroplasty, without thank you very much for a postoperative infection."




(Dictated: "... with a MRSA postoperative infection...")

Ya want fries with that consult?

"We will appreciate GI's sausage and eggs in this." 

(Dictated: "...GI's thoughts and aid in this"). Thanks for this one to S.O.!

A clean patient is a happy patient!

"HEENT: Regular soap use and reactive."




(Dictated was a more-than-usually slurred version of the usual "Atraumatic/normocephalic, pupils equal and reactive").

I don't know what it is either. Let's just amputate it.

"He has spontaneous movements of his Rex Truman." 

Dictated: "...his left upper extremity")