Well, I just bet you are!

(in list of routine outpatient meds:) 

"I am delighted." 

(...dictated med was "IM Dilaudid 40 mg q.4 h, whoa!)

Off-label use?

[Male patient in his 60s, in for GI issues]

"I have performed a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis using oral contraceptive per the NG tube..."




(The other question is... how'd he get it down the tube? But never mind).

The differential includes fat rolls

"Assessment: ...Mild tight clothing and azotemia."

Dictated: "... mild hyponatremia.")

Is that where that parting-the-Red Sea thing came from?

(In description of informed consent for upcoming surgery):  


"... The risks discussed included... deep venous Moses." 





(...deep venous thrombosis.") 

Someone needs to have a word with Nursing

"... her mucus has changed to a yellow color, though her call bell is not very productive."

(...her cough is not very productive...")

This could be, uh, taken the wrong way

[in a preop H&P for ortho surgery]: ... "Mrs Patient has a network of friends who will assist with her care after discharge as well as her husband." 



It's all about the clauses, folks.

That's gonna be tough to pre-certify

"PAST MEDICAL HISTORY:.... Excision of left leg aliens."


Well, that's no big deal. It's the chest aliens that have a tendency to excise themselves, if you know what I mean and I think you do. 


Dictated: "... excision of left ganglion cyst." 

No people skills, but the insurance companies love him

"Referring physician: Dr more death."

Must have been a helluva party!

"The patient states she slept on a wet dance floor last night."











("... she slipped on a wet dance floor..."



Happy New Year! 

Happy Holidays from Horse HQ

and best wishes for a blooper-free New Year! 

What the Dickens does that mean?

Hospitalist dictating discharge summary: 

"A total of 48 minutes was spent court knitting his discharge process."



("..coordinating his discharge..." which, interestingly, rhymes with Lafarge.)

Breakfast of champions!

"Meds include Tranxene 7.5 mg for breakfast." 




Hold the milk! 


(Dictated, "before breakfast...")

Lab tech's in for a surprise!

"We will also check a stool for your cineaste." 

And if they find it? Boo! 

(Dictated: "stool for Yersinia") 

I'm taking on, like, an educational role here. 

Anybody know where his new clothes are?

"He was imperially treated with Rocephin." 

Whoa. Is it that concierge medicine we've been hearing about? 




(dictated: "... empirically treated...")

DO NOT WANT

"I ordered 250 mg of Rocephin IM and 100 mg of Chlamydia."

What the cluck?

"The patient was transferred to the intensive chicken care unit."




(The doc simply stumbled on a syllable before he said "care.")

Brand loyalty

"She also has major trouble with upper abdominal pain. She states unrelenting, continuous Pepsi."




(Dictated: "...continuous dyspepsia")

Alternative medicine? Cost cutting? Who knows?

"For now, we will give her a one-time dose of 40 mg IV Lasix and well water."





 (Dictated: "... dose of 40 mg IV Lasix and will order...[some other stuff]..."

Dr Van Helsing to ER stat!

"The patient is alert and drained."   



("Alert and oriented" somehow turned into this).

She had a 4.2 grade point average, too!

In the social history: "The patient stated she had taken courses on lying in human resources management. " 



(Dictated was, "taken courses online...")