No one bothers with thorough physical exam any more

 

"The right lower extremity is currently splinted, and the foot was not removed for examination." 

Doesn't look that comfortable, really

"The patient was placed in a sling and sloth for comfort."



(Sling and swathe, we hope).

Math: Ur Doin It Wrong

Dr Obvious is in the house! "Family history: Both parents are deceased." 


Umm...yeah.  The patient is 95.



(I know what he was trying to do... but, well, something like "noncontributory in this nonagenarian" is a bit less facepalm-worthy). 

Not at all hard to swallow

"... Mr Gladpatient is also on cocaine 6 tabs b.i.d."


("Why, yes, our census is very high just now. Why do you ask?"







(Dictated was "coconut oil.")

She delivered a healthy china teacup

"He was born via spontaneous fragile delivery." 










("...vaginal delivery," of course. People don't actually give birth to dishware. What's the matter with you?)

We found the lost continent of Atlantis, though

"CT scan of the head is negative ... There  is no evidence of Malaysia." 




(Dictated: "... no encephalomalacia.")

Desperate doctors

"The patient was discussed with Dr Hospitalist, who is in agreement to suicide."






("... agreement with the plan" was dictated. No clue where Speech Wreck got "suicide"... maybe it's emo).

Best. Speech WRx. Evar.

... at least, until the next best one: 


"Sphincteroid." 





(Dictated:  Synthroid. Thanks to T.J. for this lovely Wreck!). 

Night shift in the Department of Redundancy Department

"She had a frontal headache in the front." 

Prescription and capsule criticism all in one!

"Spurious inhalation 1 q.a.m." 








("Spiriva inhaler" was dictated.)

Which one of you surgeons rolled this poor guy up?

"The patient will unroll in cardiac rehab." 

Cat control in the OR: A slippery problem

(In an op note) "... 25% increased difficulty secondary to large cat." 




You have to wonder: Does the size of the cat really matter? I mean, it's a  frigging cat. How you gonna code that?  

Sometimes he even puts wine in it

"He drinks a wineglass every night."





(Mmmm, crunchy.)

Yep, boys, she's got it all

"...Her mother is age 54 and has her entire apparatus."

(I don't want to say anything further to spoil the beauty of this wreck. It just cries out for a semi-naughty picture of Mae West, though, doesn't it? Even though I doubt ole Mae was ever a mother. As such.)

And if they found him, then what?

The patient had x-rays of his foot to evaluate for Osceola.

(dictated was "... for osteo," obviously. 

I can't make this stuff up, folks. 

But Speech Wreck can!)

I just met a graft named Maria

"... autologous bone graft harvested from the hip using Maria."


..."and suddenly this pain
will never be the same
to meeee...." 
Sorry. I've said it before: Sometimes I can't help myself. 

(Dictated was, "...using the RIA..."  easier than using a character from a half-century old musical. Probably.)

Why? What did they do?

"She had exoneration of her frontal sinuses."

(Yes, I know that technically, it should be, "what were they accused of?" Shoo, grammar Nazis! Shoo!)

That's a strange expression, Bruce

"She also had a tuberous to loosen her Cleese."

("... a tubeless enteroclysis"). 

This cost-cutting is out of control

"Labs drawn at a truck mechanic hospital..."

He's not any good, but at least he's cheap

"The patient sees Bill Localguy, failure practitioner, for primary care."

(Dictated: "... family nurse practitioner...")