Bedside manner needs work

"Patient name:  I hate you." 

MEDICATIONS ON ADMISSION:   Please refer to her menorah.

("...refer to her MAR")

Sounds efficacious, but the name needs work

(In med list) "Psych out from 40 mg p.o. daily."

(Dictated: "Citalopram...", pronounced like "sight-all-o-pram". Go figure).

On review of systems: "She denies headache, fever or loss of the way."

(Dictated: "... loss of weight.")

Pessimistic Discharge Instructions Dept.

Discharge instructions: "...No lifting or bending or anything along those lines, at least until this improves, or until he is deceased."





(Dictated: "Until...released.")

Kids these days.

"PULMONARY EXAM: He states he feels like there is a cat in his son." 

It happens. You just have to accept it...




(... dictated "catch in his lungs") 

Life? Don't talk to me about life.

"He presents for evaluation of his life."





(Dictated: "... with his wife.")

Also, the source for the caption's quote. 

Well, I just bet you are!

(in list of routine outpatient meds:) 

"I am delighted." 

(...dictated med was "IM Dilaudid 40 mg q.4 h, whoa!)

Off-label use?

[Male patient in his 60s, in for GI issues]

"I have performed a CT scan of the abdomen and pelvis using oral contraceptive per the NG tube..."




(The other question is... how'd he get it down the tube? But never mind).

The differential includes fat rolls

"Assessment: ...Mild tight clothing and azotemia."

Dictated: "... mild hyponatremia.")

Is that where that parting-the-Red Sea thing came from?

(In description of informed consent for upcoming surgery):  


"... The risks discussed included... deep venous Moses." 





(...deep venous thrombosis.") 

Someone needs to have a word with Nursing

"... her mucus has changed to a yellow color, though her call bell is not very productive."

(...her cough is not very productive...")

This could be, uh, taken the wrong way

[in a preop H&P for ortho surgery]: ... "Mrs Patient has a network of friends who will assist with her care after discharge as well as her husband." 



It's all about the clauses, folks.

That's gonna be tough to pre-certify

"PAST MEDICAL HISTORY:.... Excision of left leg aliens."


Well, that's no big deal. It's the chest aliens that have a tendency to excise themselves, if you know what I mean and I think you do. 


Dictated: "... excision of left ganglion cyst." 

No people skills, but the insurance companies love him

"Referring physician: Dr more death."

Must have been a helluva party!

"The patient states she slept on a wet dance floor last night."











("... she slipped on a wet dance floor..."



Happy New Year! 

What the Dickens does that mean?

Hospitalist dictating discharge summary: 

"A total of 48 minutes was spent court knitting his discharge process."



("..coordinating his discharge..." which, interestingly, rhymes with Lafarge.)

Breakfast of champions!

"Meds include Tranxene 7.5 mg for breakfast." 




Hold the milk! 


(Dictated, "before breakfast...")

Lab tech's in for a surprise!

"We will also check a stool for your cineaste." 

And if they find it? Boo! 

(Dictated: "stool for Yersinia") 

I'm taking on, like, an educational role here. 

What the cluck?

"The patient was transferred to the intensive chicken care unit."




(The doc simply stumbled on a syllable before he said "care.")