Is that where that parting-the-Red Sea thing came from?

(In description of informed consent for upcoming surgery):  


"... The risks discussed included... deep venous Moses." 





(...deep venous thrombosis.") 

And if they found him, then what?

The patient had x-rays of his foot to evaluate for Osceola.

(dictated was "... for osteo," obviously. 

I can't make this stuff up, folks. 

But Speech Wreck can!)

A unifying diagnosis will be challenging

"He has had 2 prior stents and no sex."

Maybe they're trying a new type of cardiac rehab. You never know.

Times are hard and funds are short

... so hospitals are exploring creative staffing options.


". . . .She suffered a fracture that was treated with closed reduction by the horse OPA in the emergency room."



We don't know what level of certification "OPA" represents, but we have full confidence in horses around here, so we're sure he did a pretty good job.




(Okay, okay, it was actually "...by the ortho PA." Spoilsport.)

Aw, shuddup, lady, it's all in your head

"The patient had been seen . . . with severe fatigue and a history of mental menorrhagia."

We've all heard of loan sharks, but...

Lung sharks? WTF. 


"A high-resolution CT of the lungs showed . . .  central pulmonary arterial hypertension, sharks, and bronchiectasis." 

Good thing they're not positive. Or is it?

"His CPK has come down to 1000 now with negative condoms."

Humor, NOS

Not a blooper or a speech wreck, but it needs to be posted up anyway. 


This was dictated by an orthopod who has never manifested any sign of a sense of humor before, so I'm just kind of wondering...was he making a subtle little joke, or was he being serious? You be the judge. 


He's doing an H&P on an 87-year-old patient with the usual constellation of medical issues, and the last item in her list of diagnoses is: 


"Advanced age, NOS." 

OMG, not ANOTHER earthquake?!

". . . examination revealed severe international tremor of the hands."




(cheers to Anonymous)

Shhh! I think I hear them squeaking!

Draft: "... a 7-year-old with head mice."


Dictated: "...with head lice."




Thanks, Anony-mouse! 

Don't you just hate it when this happens?

".... he had an acid sensation in the back of his throat, as well as a small island."

Does the Joint Commission know about this?

Draft:  "She is a Shaman to the hospital."

A bit drastic, isn't it?

Dictated in list of consultants:   "...Orthopedics, for addressing . . . amputation. Number next:"

Draft:  "... Orthopedics, for addressing . . .  amputation of her neck."